vQuotes [Updated]

Snappy Quips

This is a replication of the vQuote page from my vinceunlimited website, which will eventually be populated with all the original and memorable quotations that have oratoraly spewed forth from my mouth.

Our lives are dominated by the phrases and sayings dreamt up at alcohol fuelled, barnstorming sessions in trendy, high rise office spaces by people wearing brightly coloured braces with a tendency to say “think outside the box” quite a lot.  At least that’s what I presume.

 

Vince office 2002
Yellow shirt ✓ Loud tie ✓ Busy on the phone ✓ Annoying person ✓ – A copywriter at work

I once applied for a position at one of these copywriting companies but wasn’t considered.  I had figured I would be good at the job and my natural talent would shine through.  Plus the braces would have suited me.  It would be more appropriate for me than the soulless industry I had fallen into.

However, possessing my kind of staying power and determination I gave up at the first hurdle and have been a closet copywriter ever since.

But now comes my revenge.  The internet has allowed us all to fulfill our deepest wishes despite our given opportunities.  Now, luck no longer controls our destiny and it’s up to us to seize the chance and make amends for the injustices of fate.  If only we could be arsed.

I will use this part of my website to publish the quotes, quips and sayings that I use or think up.

Kind of a personal Dictionary of Quotations.

All will be, as far as I am aware, original.  Please advise me if this isn’t the case.

And, as is the nature of these things feel free to quote them mercilessly.  A certain pride will amass in my inner regions when I hear them uttered by the great and good.  But don’t forget that acknowledgement when appropriate.

The vQuote Quotations

First published in the website in version 3.0 in Mar 2010

Hairier than a bear on Regain

Driving is a bloodsport

Beholden to the beaver [A lesbian]

Fuss should be measurable, in say units of ‘Lyndaminutes’

[Toilet euphemisms]

Taking the kids to the pool

Downloading

Logging Off

Bombing China

Making a deposit in the underground vault

Striking the Thunder-box

Giving a brown lecture

Squatting on the poop deck

First published in the website in version 2.04 in Dec 2006

Hey, when I look in the mirror I’m the best looking there

How long before the Police can arrest you for having a razor sharp wit?

Would murdering a girl called Susan be classed as Suicide?

As predictable as pudding

It is every man’s fantasy to have two women sharing his bed – but they never consider all the pointing and giggling

Was it Pythagoras who first suggested it might be ‘Hyp to be square’?

I don’t mind that today’s teenagers are unfit.  At least when they try to nick my mobile phone and run away I’ll be able to catch the fat bastards

First published in the website in version 2.03 in Jun 2006

To be considered knowledgeable you only have to know slightly more

It’s not nice getting old – But the alternative is much worse

I’m a Terranoid.  It means that I’m paranoid about terrorism.  And just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean that they won’t blow me up

Knowledge is multi-faceted.  Only when you reach each edge will you truly know the limit

[Motorway sign]  Banana Lorry Spill – Peel Off At Next Exit

[Sticker on car]  I don’t even slow down for racehorses

[Motorway sign]  W.I. Meeting Ahead – Expect Jam

First published in the website in version 2.02 in Sep 2005

Praise the Lord?  Frankly he needs a good kicking

If you believe that cleanliness is next to godliness then clearly you have a few pages missing from your dictionary

First published in the website in version 2.00 in May 2005

I’m not one to think what I’m saying – I say what I’m thinking

First published in the website in version 1.03 in Feb 2005

Green sky thinking  [Much less restrictive than the blue variety]

You know your marriage is in trouble when the fear that your partner will leave turns to hope

I read it from cover to cover.  Via the spine

Mothers ask you nice questions, like when do you want your tea?  Fathers are more taxing, they ask questions such as where have you been, or why were you in the river?  Or, what is the capital of Equatorial Guinea?

When I’m creative it’s either there or it isn’t.  If I can’t devise a method of intergalactic space propulsion during a single train journey I give up.  The scientists of the world should be assured that I did once try

If dogs have such a good sense of smell why do they need to get so close to their mates rear end?

I’m the flamboyant sort who always flicks his underpants in the air on removal, catching them with my teeth.  An action that I always regret afterwards

She is your number one fan.  Is there a number two?

[Computer sign off ] Gotta fly – Got R.S.I.

First published in the website in version 1.02 in Mar 2004

If undelivered.  Why not?  [Note at foot of registered letter]

His books are sold by weight.  Not volume

Men share 90% of their genes with a chimpanzee.  But only around 30% with women

The shortest route isn’t always the best.  On a spiral staircase for instance

This website is easily one of the best ten million in the world

First published in the website in version 1.00 in Oct 2003

Getting up at the crack of birds  [An early start]

Bugger, I’m not immortal  [Carved into a headstone]

Finally, a few put downs.  These have all been used by me.  Thankfully I’m still living to tell the tale

First published in the website in version 1.02 in Mar 2004

“Let me introduce you to Mr. Comb.”

[To my wife trying on a jacket]  “Frankly, it looked better on the hanger.”

[On wanting to find the right time to look good for a photograph]  “Well. It’s a narrow time window.”

If you like my style of sayings you may be interested to know that you can also search many of my website articles by snappy quip alone by searching the site section marked  WebQuote.

Author: Vince Poynter
From the vQuote section of the vinceunlimited.co.uk website dated 29 Jun 2018
The idea of vQuotes was originally published as ‘copywriting’ in Version 1.00 in Oct 2003

vinceunlimited Jokes [Updated]

Hello.  You are looking at a selection of vinceunlimited Jokes.

This place is destined to house all my jokes.  The trouble is that someone left the door open and most have escaped.  As soon as they are rounded up I’ll put them back here, where they belong.

Meanwhile, here are those that I managed to capture in my giggle trap.  And as is the case with all randomly collected jokes they are in no particular order.

All jokes in this section are original and devised by the website author, me.  Or taken direct from their source as discovered in conversation.  Unless otherwise acknowledged.

For a more comprehensive collection buy some Christmas crackers, or go down the pub and listen.

As this is a source of originality you may feel confident in trying to pass these off as your own. I would be powerless to stop this and wouldn’t if I could. They are here as free shareware.  However, if you have difficulty in releasing them to an appreciative audience I suggest that you use the time honoured method of joke distribution.  Tell a kid in a school playground.  There, and you thought you would never come across a website advocating soliciting a child’s attention in public!

Jokes and One liners

Added in Version 3.0 in Mar 2010

I brought a pair of high tech glasses made from memory metal.  The trouble was that they remembered they used to be a Volkswagen Beetle

The legal system is definitely favoured towards the criminal.  I committed a crime and was amazed I could get ID protection.  Admittedly as it was only a low level crime all I got was a badge saying my name is not Bill

I asked the store assistant where she kept the laxatives.  She pointed to the bottom shelf

You know when you are getting old. You start to recite vowels whilst walking down stairs…Aay…Eee…Aye…Ohh…Eughh

It is unfair to mock those with OCD, unless it is done neatly

What is it about IT people that just makes you want to poke your digit in their iSocket?

Don’t you find it annoying when foreigners insist on naming places in their own language.  It causes confusion.  For instance, when they constructed the new airport at Hong Kong and named it Chek Lap Kok I thought they called it Jet Black Cock and for weeks afterwards was musing whether pilots had trouble locating that in the Far East

I hate those TV documentaries late at night where they censor female nudity with a fuzzy camera shot.  For years I thought all women were like that.  I recall the first time seeing a naked girl and thinking “Wow! It’s in focus”

I met a girl on the train the other day.  It was a short romance.  We met at Waterloo, slept together.  Well she slept, I read the paper.  It was all over by Basingstoke.  She never writes, never calls.  I didn’t send flowers.  Then a bloke got on and sat next to me.  When he fell asleep I punched him.  Well. I’m not gay

Thin people are always hungry.  There’s a reason for the expression Fat and Content.  The trouble is I’m two stone over-content

The instructions read ‘Store in a cool place’.  Which explains why I was in Samuel Jackson’s movie trailer

Imagine a Margaret Thatcher voiced Sat-Nav.  “Make a u-turn if it’s possible” “You turn if you want to. This Lady’s not for turning”

My mate had one of those genetic tests to determine how he was going to die.  It wasn’t very accurate.  He got run over by a bus

The Volkswagen Beetle was built by Ferdinand Porsche as directed by Adolf Hitler.   However there is no truth in the rumour that the first models had three gears marked low, medium and Sieg High

Brought one of those Pringle jumpers.  A bit crunchy to wear

I did a consumer comparison test between an Apple iPhone and an actual apple.  The apple won out in the drop and submerging tests.  Next time I’ll be comparing a Palm Pre with a palm tree

I don’t mind that today’s teenagers are unfit.  At least I’ll be able to catch the chubby bastards when they nick my mobile phone

Added in Version 2.04 in Dec 2006

I dated a girl with a hatchback. Still, she’s had traction now

Added in Version 2.01 in Jul 2005

There was mass confusion everywhere and all the city rail stations were closed – In fact the only station open was Panic Station

Added in Version 1.03 in Feb 2005

How did medieval knights ever get on?  They could only move two places forward and one to the right

A conservationist was having trouble recording the number of elephants in his wildlife park so asked his friend if he had any ideas.  He explained that the elephants were difficult to count from his helicopter because their grey skin was camouflaged against the terrain.  His friend was a geneticist so suggested that the elephants could be bred orange by mixing their genes with those of a carrot.  An experiment was tried and was successful so from then on all the new elephants were born orange and could be seen from the air.  To celebrate the success the two friends met up for a meal at the geneticist’s favourite restaurant.  They ordered the roast and were served the meat, potatoes and two veg.  On delivery of the meal all the carrots leapt up off the geneticist’s plate.  “There,” he explained to his friend “I don’t like carrots and carrots never forget”

I used to lay back in my car and scrawl the name of my favourite rock groups on the roof.  They are all headline bands now

First published in Version 1.02 in Mar 2004

Did you hear about the soldier who was drafted into service without his consent?  He was waiting in his school careers office.  Someone called out “Next”.  He replied “Ah. Me”

“My name’s Bond.  James Bond.  The first James Bond.  They call me Premium Bond.  00-7 is my code.  00-6 was my predecessor.  00-gauge is my railway collection.  My archenemy is Scaramango.  He has a habit of wanting to take over the world.  Not his worst habit, that’s his chain-smoking.  I call him the man with the golden lung.  My first boss was known as M.  I can now reveal that his name was Mick.  My second boss was known as N.  I can now reveal that his name was Nick.  My current boss is known as P.  But, as you can imagine, I cannot reveal his name”

“My name is Bond. That’s James Bond.  I’ve been played by Connery and Moore.  I live and let live all ’round the world.  Best of all I’ve seen Pussy Galore”

I used to be a psychiatric case but I’ve recovered now.  I’m a suitcase

My wife is so obsessed with cleanliness.  When we go to a party she takes a bottle of mouthwash

How do blind dates find where they are meant to meet?

If you made a fortune drilling for milk in the Middle East, would you be a milk Sheikh?

After driving across Europe, I knew I was back in Britain.  The washer bottle froze

I’m not saying that the flat we bought was small.  It’s just that in the bedroom we had a wall-to-wall carpet tile fitted

My Favourite Joke

First published in Version 1.02 in Mar 2004

And now, my favourite joke of all time.  Not, original by me, I wouldn’t be so presumptive.  It’s better than mine, so if you are the rightful owner of this joke please advise me and I’ll give acknowledgement.

A customer enters a pet shop and asks for a wasp.  The confused shop owner advises that he doesn’t sell them.  Unrepentant the customer pleads, “But, I saw one in your window yesterday”

[Not So] Famous Quotations

Finally, a selection of not so famous quotes.

First published in Version 1.02 in Mar 2004

Tutankhamen: “Do you normally build the roof first?”

Moses (before speaking to God): “Fire! Fire!”

Joseph: “Don’t look at me, Mary”

The Ancient Mariner: “Anyone for Albatross?”

The Wizard of Oz (to his builder): “I don’t care what you think.  I want it yellow”

Further Chortling

So, that’s the start. With the jokes from my website Versions 1.02 dated Mar 2004 to 3.0 dated Mar 2010.  More will inevitably follow as sure as night follows Thursday morning.  In time this website section will be chock-a-block with all the amusing, fun and clever jokes from the mind and keyboard of vinceunlimited.

If you want more vinceunlimited humour there is loads of it smattered around my Twitter feed.

For more snappy quips, check out my vQuotes page on my website.

Or look at your own knees.  Obviously not as funny as mine.  But that’s all there is for now.

If you can’t wait for more mirth then put finger to keyboard and email me a request.

Author: Vince Poynter
From the Jokes section of the vinceunlimited.co.uk website dated 2 Aug 2018
First Published: Version 1.02 in Mar 2004 with updates as indicated above