Ingreedyents

From the vinceunlimited Blog dated 16 Mar 2011

I have to read things.  It’s part of my make up, who I am.  I am curious and love gathering knowledge.  And a great source of detailed information is plastered all over our products and the most enlightening and interesting is the ingredients list on seemingly simple products.  I’ll give an example just to see if you can guess the product before the end reveal.

The first ingredient listed is always the largest component and in this particular case is Aqua.  Now if you were paying attention in double Latin you will know that this comes from the old English word meaning Akker, short for Acker Bilk a clarinetist who became famous for being the only clarinetist anyone could name.  The Akker term was used to describe the spittle and dribble emanating from the business end of his instrument.  Later this ‘Akker’ became Aqua during the Latinisation of old English words during the 1950’s when certain Oxbridge elements wanted to seem more clever than the general populous.  In other words Aqua just means water and no one except Stephen Fry can understand why they just don’t say that.

The second most common element is a compound, which is really two elements so by combining have jumped up the list unfairly.  This compound is Sodium Chloride.  As any chemistry student knows this is actually just salt so why the pretentious ingredient listers bother with fourteen letters and a space when four will do can only lead one to suspect that they are in it up to their necks with the Ink Printing Association and frankly the Government should look into this rather than wasting all that time on the Hutton Enquiry.

Coming in in third place is the second Sodium collaboration, this time with Benzoate.  Why Sodium wants a second billing is as strange as the word ‘in’ wanting a second billing at the head of this paragraph [I bet you five pounds you had to check].  What is even stranger is that Benzoate is a common misspelling of the term Benz 08, the eighth car produced by Mercedes.  We all know that Sodium and old cars don’t really mix so this ingredient actually just refers to rust.  Or as the aforementioned Ink Printers & Affiliates Association would put it Ferrous Oxide.

The next listed ingredient is Polysorbate 20.  Clearly the manufacturers of this product had to undergo years of testing just to establish that Polysorbate 20 was clearly better/cheaper/more environmentally friendly [delete as appropriate] than Polysorbate 19 or any other number less or indeed more than this.  For the technically minded amongst you you may like to know that Polysorbate 1 is the amount of liquid you can mop up using a single Standard Unit parrot.

Next up is the old familiar Sodium Lauryl Glucose Carboxylate or SLGC for short.  Again Sodium has chosen to get in a mix with other products rather than stand out on it’s own.  In fact if it did it would probably rate above Aqua so one must conclude that Sodium is inherently shy.  In this case hiding amongst Lauryl, Glucose and Carboxylate, an unknown comedy trio who’s fortunes turned around when Carboxylate left them to join another team.  Lauryl and Glucose re-branded themselves Laurel and Hardy and Carbo, as he became known, joined the other Marx Brothers.

The next listed ingredient is Malic Acid.  This is obtained from the Hollywood actor Art Malik so is very expensive.  It is a well kept industry secret that after his work on ‘The Jewel In The Crown’ and ‘A Passage To India’ he was ground down using a large Mortar and Pestle for use in various products and his appearance in True Lies was actually done by Ronnie Corbett on a pair of stilts with some clever post production work and Ronni Ancona’s voice-over.

Next up, according to the list is Lauryl Glucoside.  But I think this is just a lie because I had a very close look using a quite big magnifying glass and I couldn’t see any.

Nearing the end now and we come across Parfum.  Now many think this is just a smug way of saying perfume intimating this to be a pleasant thing.  Again this fallacy must be redressed and if broken down into it’s constituent parts of Parf and Um you will see it’s true meaning is a fart.

The next ingredient is the most difficult to explain.  Not because it is a complex compound it’s just so darned difficult to spell.  It’s the trips off the tongue, old familiar, we all know it as Methylisothiazolinone.  A long word that scientists use when they haven’t really got a clue what they found but without it the Ingredients Standards & Ink Printing Affiliates Association Incorporated will not sign off the packaging [Has that Hutton Enquiry finished yet?]

Third from last is Aloe Barbadensis Extract.  This is a passage from the Hawaiian novel ‘Hello Barber Dentist’.  A short story about a young girl who hooks up with a hairdresser who has a secret life as a doctor.  I believe the word for doctor and dentist is the same in Hawaiian which might seem odd but not as odd as the six-hundred and fourteen words they have for podiatrist.

The penultimate ingredient is Propylene Glycol.  As opposed to Impropylene Glycol.  Glycol is a fancy word for antifreeze and in this case is proper lean.  In other words weak antifreeze.

The final ingredient of this mysterious product is Tocopherol Acetate and let’s face it as it is the final ingredient it hardly features at all so is not really worth considering.  In fact given there are ten other more copious compounds one wonders whether the actual product would be substantially altered by it’s omission.  In fact let’s start a campaign here and now to reduce the number of products in our products by leaving out the least included.  Except in the case of salt of course which will otherwise just revert to Sodium, which as we have already established wants none of the attention.

So, have you guessed the product yet?  I’ll give you a reminder of what’s in it:- Sodium, Water, Salt [i.e. more Sodium], Rust, Slapstick, essence of Art Malik, a bit of fart, some paragraphs, a spot of weak antifreeze and a teenie bit of something not really needed.  Which all makes it much clearer than the arse-wipe list on the actual packet as insisted by the Ink Printers & Bankers Bonus Society Corporation Of America, Honduras & Affiliated Offshore Accounts PLC.

So would you eat this only good for flushing straight down the loo stuff?

I hope not because it’s actually a real arse-wipe list.  Check out the back of your next packet of bottie wipes and you’ll see what I mean.

Well what do you expect me to do whilst sat here waiting?  I have to read something.

Author: Vince Poynter
From the Blog section of the vinceunlimited.co.uk website dated 30 Aug 2018
If you want to hear me read this Blog post to you I adapted it for my sixteenth blog post, Pod 16 – Ingreedyents, posted in iTunes and here on my WordPress site dated 19 Nov 2014
First published within the Blog on 16 Mar 2011