A television situation comedy by Vince Poynter
This, the first Sitcom to emerge from the brainchild of vinceunlimited, is Site for Sore Eyes.
The concept is about the trials and trepidations of work on a building site. Without the colourful language and exposed butt cheeks.
Below is the beginning of the first, pilot, tv episode.
Note: This is a project commenced and ripe for development so if you want to help this see the light of pixels get in touch and we’ll talk.
Site For Sore Eyes
A Pilot Situation Comedy Script for Television by Vince Poynter
The scene is set
Phase One – Pumped Up
Mess Hut – A site shed, with benches and table. Very untidy. Calendar and site safety notices on the walls. Tea making equipment, old tabloid newspapers and broken cups on the benches. Rubbish around on the floor.
Two pipe fitters are in the hut, drinking tea. One is reading a tabloid newspaper and eating his sandwiches, all that is seen are his hands grabbing the curled up sandwiches, his face hidden by the paper. The other is wearing a tatty Walkman listening to music with his eyes closed. His fingers drum out a beat on his thigh.
Bill Clark enters. He is a Pipe-fitting Foreman in his fifties. A know it all from the old school. He pushes past the reading fitter.
Bill: “Morning lads.”
The fitters grunt acknowledgement, without moving. Bill places his bag on the table, sits between the other two and starts to prepare tea. This is a well-rehearsed routine.
The fitter with the paper slides the sugar along the table without raising his head.
Bill: “Tea bag.”
The other fitter reaches down to the ground and flicks a tea bag in the air, straight into Bill’s cup.
As he says this he extends his cup towards the reading fitter. The fitter’s hand appears with the milk bottle and pours straight into the cup.
Bill: “Kettle on?.”
The other fitter swings round, picks up the kettle from the floor and pours the hot water straight into the cup, all without looking. Bill stirs the tea and takes a sip.
Bill: “Ahh. Tea. Lifeblood. See the match last night lads?”
The fitters grunt.
Bill: “Did you see that second goal. I haven’t seen a ball hit as hard as that since my Aunt Deirdre swiped old uncle Bob with his own golf club. Nine iron I think. Painful.”
The fitters squeak.
Bill: “Our man was on top form yesterday. Still they need the points if they want to stay up this season. After all, top teams aren’t built in a day.”
The fitters grunt.
Bill: “I reckon if they stopped going for the classic four, four, two and used a sweeper, winger …”
Tim Peterson entering cuts Bill short. Tim is a sixteen-year-old first year pipefitting apprentice with natural fallibility. He is obviously late and knocks things about as he rushes to his seat.
Tim: “Morning Bill. Morning lads.”
The fitters and Bill grunt. Tim quickly looks about for a tea mug and can only find a chipped old one with a missing handle. Unlike Bill, he doesn’t receive the help in making his tea, in fact when he searches for the items they are moved away from his sight by the others. This slows down the process of preparing the drink and allows for some interplay and visual slapstick. When he finally pours out his drink, the others, in unison, stand up, clear their items away and leave the hut. Bill and Tim are the last to leave. Bill is sorting out a specification and Tim is trying hard to cool down his drink, by frantically waving an old newspaper over it, whilst sipping.
Bill: “Oh. Tim. Did you get that new bubble for my spirit level on your way home yesterday?”
Tim: “No, sorry Bill. They said the ones they had in stock were damaged. They said they were hoping for a delivery today and I was to go back.”
Bill: “Did they tell you that the new ones would come in bubble wrap?”
Tim: “Yeah. That’s just what they said.”
Bill: “I thought so.”
Tim: “So, what are we on today?”
Bill: “We’re in the plant room. We’ve got to modify those pumps Mike told us about before he went.”
Tim: “Mike eh. Who would believe it? Fourteen million quid. What would you do with your share of that, Bill?”
Bill: “Not waste time talking pumps with you. That’s for certain.”
Tim: “I reckon I’d buy this company and make the old man redundant. I can’t understand why Mike just disappeared like that. I mean, he didn’t even trash the computers in the office. How sad.”
Bill: “And get himself sued. With all that money you become a target and I bet the old man would’ve tried it on. No, Mike is best out of it. I would probably just leave too. Jobs like this always seem to go on forever. This one’s been going for ten months already and it will probably see out my retirement the way it’s going. The Colosseum wasn’t built in a day, you know. Come to think of it, if Mike was doing the Colosseum it would probably still be a pile of rubble now.”
Tim: “It is.”
Bill: “Don’t be facetious.”
Tim: “Will the new engineer be any good?”
Bill: “Probably not. Them suits are all the same. More interested in their company car and expense account than the job. And most couldn’t build a sand castle on Bournemouth Beach let alone a big job like this.”
Tim: “So you’ve known a few in your time then.”
Bill: “Just a few! I remember this suit once. Name of Rogers. Used to speak with a limp I recall. Drove a Cavalier. Didn’t know a thing. He thought six inch copper was what a policeman’s wife gets.”
Bill: “Anyway lad. Lets get a move on. These pipes won’t fit themselves and the new man will have enough to do without worrying about that.”
They leave the mess hut.
Author: Vince Poynter
From the Situation Comedies section of the vinceunlimited.co.uk website dated 3 Jan 2018
First published in the vinceunlimited.co.uk website version 1.01 in Jan 2004
The image depicts a crashed lorry on a building site in Canary Wharf