Dead Centre

It’s logic Jim, but not as we know it.

Where can you find me? Only at the centre of the universe. That’s where.

It is a brave statement indeed to make a claim that I can be found at the centre of the universe. Even more foolhardy to state that I can prove it. But I am and I can.

Firstly you need to understand and accept the concept of infinity. It is quite easy this bit. Infinity in terms of distance is a very long way away, then a bit more. Kind of like further than that beer on the coffee table when you are slumped in front of the TV. Even further away than your chances of dating a Hollywood megastar, unless you are another Hollywood megastar of course. Or a film producer. Or a thousand dollar hooker of course. Anyway, you get the picture. Infinity is such a huge number that when applied to distances I wouldn’t like to drive it – Not without a comfort stop.

Now, if I were to move forward, as far as possible, to the edge of infinity it would take me…? Let’s see, about the same time as it would if I were to move backwards at the same rate to the edge of infinity. I shall call that time X. No, I won’t, I’ll call it Gerald, other people always call it X.

Anyway, in Gerald, travelling at a constant speed I could reach the edge of infinity from any direction I please. Infinity is the same distance, up, down, front, back or even sideways. Whether you are on a pushbike, in a sidecar or a space shuttle travelling at twenty six times the speed of Gerald.

If this is the case I must surely be right slap-bang in the centre – Of the Universe. Point proved.

Now, all I have to do is prove that I’m also immortal. That one could take some time.

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Plea For A Bike

When I was a child and through to a teenager I, like most of my peers, had a desire to own a bicycle. It was like a right of passage. Part of life development. It seemed natural and ordinary. It represented growth, freedom and independence. It was after all the status symbol of a generation. A chance to explore wider boundaries and meet new friends.

Bicycles were certainly an expensive thing. In my world at the time it had serious financial implications for parents. As one of three children getting expensive gifts was an extremely rare thing. In those days toys were reserved for special occasions like Birthdays or Christmases and the cost of bikes were probably more than treble that were spent on those days combined.

Plus there was an element of danger. Children, bikes and traffic didn’t mix well with the former usually coming off worst.

It was for the above reason my father steadfastly refused to buy his children a bike. And of the three of us I was the most upset by this. Very upset. Extraordinarily upset. Boundary tantrum upset.

I reasoned that bicycle ownership would help me develop. I was a timid child, small compared to most school colleagues, a pacifist in an angry world, scared with insecurities about being considered part of it. I struggled to have close friends at school and was further alienated by being unable to be part of the cycling gangs developing. With no bike I appeared to be a loner. A loser.

It didn’t help that my circumstances took me away to a remote school at twelve years old and getting there was a pain. Bus rides, long walks and being miles from friends when socialising was unbearable. It is even probably the reason I never became a rock star.

I argued long and passionately about these points with my dad but he was unrepentant. I pointed out that I, more than other children, would treat riding with respect and care to avoid becoming the jam in a car sandwich. I reasoned that by restricting this activity he was cruel, stunting my development and curtailing any after school activities. I even offered to have nothing else if only I could have a bike. But to no effect. There was no way he’ll change his mind.

As a result of this I wrote a song. A duet, coupled with chorus elements served to suggest a West End musical style because that is exactly what it was intended to be. This passionate episode in my life was written to be part of a plan for a musical of my life that I was considering and working on in the 1980s. The lyrics were penned in 1989. The musical has yet to be completed.

The unedited original lyrics are reproduced in full in my website.  In the ‘Songs’ section click on the bit labelled ‘Bike’.  The link is vinceunlimited.co.uk/bike.htm or vinceunlimited.co.uk/bikem.htm if you are viewing this on a smartphone.

Despite the apparent complexity the song does not yet have any musical accompaniment. I will eventually get around to doing this but will first need to learn how to write music. This was a serious flaw in my plan to write that musical. So, can you help?

If the tune is great and it becomes a success I may buy you a bike. Providing you don’t bloody well go on about it all the time.

This is an extract from a page added to the re-launched, hand coded vinceunlimited.co.uk web site, version 5.006 date 16 Oct 2017 and is an explanation of a song originally written in 1989 and published in October 2003.

You will have to visit the webpage to enjoy the full experience.

The image depicts the author sat on one of his first bicycles

Animal Parts As Spares

One of the big issues facing mankind today is the moral question of whether we should be allowed to grow animals purely for use as spare parts for humans. Technological advancement is reaching the point where soon we will be able to grow compatible human parts within live animals.

And in 2017 the UK issued plans to make organ donor presumed consent a thing. If we have to go to the trouble of opting out then so can the mammals. Unless they fill out a form on the internet.

Imagine, a man’s spare spleen, if you can, grown by a dog. Or a newborn baby’s amputated lower arm being re-grown by a monkey. Or an arse transplanted from a horse onto a woman (I’m sure I’ve seen her already).

The issue centres on whether it is moral to do this. I believe it may be immoral not to do it. I would argue that mankind is no more than a species, albeit a very successful one and one which we are lucky to be a part of. And like all other species humans have developed the best way to survive and prosper. Being able to harvest parts from other species is just another development in the clear superiority of humans. All species use the resources available to them and just as our food farming is a clever extension of this ability so is improving this to include repair of damaged or old body parts. It is a natural extension. Nature.

And who wouldn’t choose to live longer, providing the quality of their life through use of renewable, healthier parts was assured.

The only concerns I would personally have is to impose controls on the supply. I couldn’t accept that the system was open to be abused by undesirable people. And I’m not scaremongering about a dozen cloned dictators. That just couldn’t occur. No, I would worry about persistent drunks using surrogates to grow banks of spare livers. And I would have concerns about stinking smokers using animals to constantly transplant their lungs. Transplanting their brains might be a better idea.

My own view is that I would be happy for a pig to grow a heart for me, then for me to have it transplanted when mine is worn out. And I could enjoy a good bacon sandwich afterwards. Long live technology.

This is a copy of a page added to the re-launched, hand coded vinceunlimited.co.uk web site, version 5.003 and is an update to an article originally published in October 2003.

You will have to visit the webpage to enjoy the full experience.

The image depicts an ape sat on the shoulders of the author.

Launch Debugging

It wasn’t until I got my revamped web site all uploaded yesterday that I realised there were a few bugs, as I suppose there often are with projects of this scale.

The main problem encountered was my coding. All links were shown as [typical] /linkname but in the uploading process they were saved as /linkname.htm I quickly got around this problem by renaming them all via my FTP client back to /linkname This got the site up and running. A cheeky fix but it worked.

However, as I am a perfectionist at heart and I wanted ease of use in future uploads I decided to re-code all the pages, all 107 odd desktop and mobile, to suit.

I’m not sure what you did today.

Now, I shall start the actual process of updating my files so the site is properly fully populated.

To get the full site experience go to vinceunlimited.co.uk

vinceunlimited Version 5 Launched


Dan, dan, delah! Der, der, der, derrh! Tah Da! And however you might spell a drumroll. vinceunlimited.co.uk has roared into stage 5!

And it’s a return to the original vinceunlimited concept idea. I have gone back to basics and have elected, once more, to learn how to and then do all the web-coding myself. And appropriately, the latest standard for web coding is HTML 5. So I’ve had to learn a whole bunch of updated rules.

Plus to do this properly I also had to learn the associated coding for CSS and Javascript. If you are unsure what all this means basically the HTML bit handles the layout and words, the CSS stuff seperates out the colours and styles and the Javascript jibberish allows complex page selection such as the Random Page Selector button actions on each page.

My original vinceunlimited site, forseeingly known as version 1, was catipulted onto the main stage in October 2003. It was hand coded in a contemporaneous version of HTML.

Version 2, appeared on the internet in May 2005 with coding that took my site to the next level with a better layout, a sidebar and dual colours.

I always struggled with getting HTML coding to set and wrap around images and with image links and couldn’t find the time and way to code version three which was planned to look like the image but I was saved all this effort by the introduction of Apple’s colouful WYSIWYG iWeb App so this became the basis for actual version 3, in March 2010.

Are you paying attention to these dates? A quiz will follow.

But Apple had other ideas about keeping the iWeb pet project alive and I had to find another way to maintain my web prescence.

In 2012, July to be a bit more precise, with the development of FaceBook and Twitter, personal web-sites seemed to be going out of fashion. The era of the common blog had really started. And this bandwagon was truly seized upon when I clambered aboard this WordPress site, effectively making this the fourth version of vinceunlimited.co.uk

But WordPress is mostly about piggy-backing on other people’s hard worked designs and trying to disguise this plagiarism with a bit of personal customisation. I always found this awkward and unsatisfactory so decided to go back to first principles and code the thing again myself, hence version 5.

Have I bucked the trend? Am I just showing off? Or am I just avoiding the sheeple? These questions and less will be answered in the next few years.

For the full vinceunlimited story check out the Versions link at vinceunlimited.co.uk

This is a copy of the first page added to the re-launched hand coded vinceunlimited.co.uk web site, version 5.001. You will have to visit the webpage to enjoy the full experience.

The image depicts the original design for vinceunlimited version 3, now the basis of version 5

Politics

Politics is big right now in the UK.  We have a General Election being served up soon, with something called Brexit as a dessert course later on.  So it may be perspicacious to re-read my thoughts from 2005.

Though not on Brexit as I didn’t foresee this in 2005.  Sorry.

All now published under Archive/Politics

Red Cross Bee

The UK Elections are in full swing.  Swinging from right towards left and back again dependant on the strategies playing out by the main party forces.  And very interesting it is proving to be.

If you follow the machinations you would often have heard of a possibly shadowy Australian figure called Lynton Crosby.  A beknighted man, his is a name associated with the Conservative Party and I refer to him as shadowy purely because he is a behind the scenes political adviser and strategist and not an electable representative.  If the Conservative Party wins well he will be quietly congratulated by many in the party.

But at the time of writing the Conservatives and their leader Theresa May have not been conducting a powerful and effective campaign.

Conversely the Labour Party appears to be doing the opposite.

Despite many early criticisms, an earlier perceived unelectable shambles has matured into an apparently viable and challenging force, much due to the improving presentation of the Labour Leader.

Has Jeremy Corbyn planned and strategised all this himself or in conjunction with his team or does he have a back-room Lynton Crosby.  If so, who is this genuinely shadowy Red Crosby?  And why is he/she/them never mentioned.

Just asking.

Guilt Ridding

Silence is said to be golden.

But it doesn’t help move things on much so I’m busting the guilt and will be shortly issuing a few key posts.

But you will have to read them aloud, as they will be delivered by page not noise.  And if you don’t add the sound they will remain silent.  And this cannot be so as they are key matters.

But not as in door latches.

Soon.

The Dinger Show

You may have heard of Schrodinger and his pussy.  It wasn’t an actual cat of course but an imaginary one because potentially bad things are only allowed to happen to theoretical felines.  Schrodinger attempted to simplify the notion of a belief in something being in both one state and another by postulating that if you trapped a cat in a box containing a radioactive poison and then didn’t open it, at one point the cat would die.  But at any point up to then, because it is as yet unobserved, it may or may not have been an ex-cat and therefore must be considered during this period both dead and alive.

Schrodinger clearly didn’t use a dog because the actual time of canine demise would be marked by a sudden but obvious silence from all the previous barking and this would give the game away.  But Schrodinger assumes the cat wouldn’t meow.

Perhaps it should’ve been Scrodinger’s tortoise all along.

White cat on kerb
“Mrs Schrodinger, have you let that cat out again?”

Schrodinger did all this to help partly explain quantum mathematics.   Which is clearly unnecessary as we are obviously all familiar with those theories.   And partly because he fantasised about tabby torture.

But apart from explaining complex molecule movement we could apply his findings to business.  I suggest that any powerful business person, or engineer, or specialist may have a bit of Schrodinger about them.

When in such a position you are trusted, respected, admired.  And you have probably earned this air of actual belief.  Either through training, study or experience.  And it is easy to embrace these feelings.  However, if you have ever been in this position you will know that in truth the powerful often also have feelings of being a bit, shall we say incompetent.  A bit fraudulent even.

So are all Managers Schrodingers?  Discuss.

Schrödinger’s theorem states there only two possible outcomes.  So in conclusion you either understand what I’m saying or you don’t.

Or maybe both.  Or any combination in between.

Communist Capitalists

It has been widely reported today that by lunchtime [Wednesday 4 Jan] the average CEO had earned as much as an average yearly UK salary.

It is less reported that I will have earned as much as the average salary by August 12th.  Next year

So, how do I feel about this?  The CEO stat, not my situation.

This feeds partly into concerns over globalisation and the inequality of wealth that this supposedly fuels.  On this matter I am vehemently opposed but perhaps without the vehemence bit.

Generally, I think we should be happy with globalisation and all the benefits it brings our first world lifestyle but we should also be concerned about inequality of pay.  The sheer difference between the highest earners and me.

Maybe what we desire is to have communist companies in our capitalist world.

And on the matter of CEO remuneration I don’t think this is a problem.  They have probably worked hard and maybe risked all to be in their enviable position.  But they could have waited until Christmas dinner had been fully digested before earning what we do in the whole of our year.

Tempus Fudgedit

Whoa!  What happened there?  Just as I was tucking into the breakfast of 2015 it’s all of a sudden way past the midnight snacks of 2016 and 2017 has begun.  Did I miss anything important?

I do hope that Britain hasn’t voted for something daft, that America has elected a calming President, my Volkswagon will pass it’s MoT and no one I knew died.

But it’s no good dwelling on the past. We’ve got some right here and now to attend to.  So, let’s check up on how I did with my 2015 promises.  Well, in a word – bloggerall.

And for 2016.  Err.. Can I pass on that one?

So I better let bygones be neverwasses and concentrate on my plans for 2017.

I have broken out a new WordPress theme and looked at ways of expanding my site to a faux website with all my previous content stuffed into various pages and lists on drop down menus. However, this would be unyieldly and I can’t work out how to use tags within the pages to aide category searching.  So I have to resort to the olde worlde method of individual posts.

So the plan is… No, I’m not going down that route. You know what happens if I do that.

“I may be back.  Possibly.” To misquote a terminator.

A Resolution

Hello blog readers, Happy New Year.

Time has just turned into 1995, or 2012, or 2015, that’s it, it’s recently become 2015.  I hope you are ‘aving a luverly one.  Me, I’m doing my usual at this time of year and thinking about the future and what it will bring.  Or more importantly, as required by inspiring American Presidential speeches, what I can bring to it.

As is traditional at this time of the year many thoughts are turned to the ideology of making brave promises, such as getting fitter, travelling more, being sarcastic to fewer Black Rhinoceroses, that sort of thing.  So, who am I to buck this trend?

Yes, I kinda want to do these things but more importantly I want to do more stuff.  I want to do more content creation.

You will already be aware that I’m that type of soul.  A giver.  A provider.  A right old show off.

You know I occasionally blog and that I have started a podcast, plus if you’ve scanned the page you’ll know I have a reasonably active, non ‘RT’ing Twitter account and a public Instagram photo feed and you might also have been inquisitive enough to discover that I have put a limited number of videos onto YouTube.  All good content creationy stuff so far.  But I want to go even further and I’m using this very public notice board to declare an interest in getting more stuff out there.

So, a resolution for the year, which as it’s in writing and on pixels etc won’t be able to be broken at all.  In the forthcoming twelve months I plan to… sorry, hope to… sorry may…

Do at least twenty more blog posts

Write, record, then re-record because I fluffed a word or two, then publish six more podcasts

Write, create and publish six comedy videos or vodcasts or maybe even videocasts then publish these to my YouTube account

Be sarcastic to no Black Rhinos whatsoever, no matter how much they goad me

Turn one of my ‘songs’ into a real song with actual music and stuff, written and recorded to match the lyrics I’ve already done so that at least one doesn’t just look like a lame poem

Finish the book I started writing in November 2014 year which was abandoned in November 2014  by which I mean do all the chapters and not just turn it into a Novella.  Then get it published in the iTunes bookstore for proof and actual purchase and stuff

So, That is the plan.  How I’m going to achieve all this, what with all my getting fitter and travelling more, nobody knows?  But there is no going back now.  No, seriously, there isn’t.  Time doesn’t work that way.  So onto some writing, recording, videoing, novelising, singing and more.

I just hope the singing doesn’t threaten the Rhinos.  Thankfully they do have a tough skin.

Podcast 17

Hi guys, Just a quick note to apologise for not issuing a podcast yesterday. In theory I should have been able to do a dozen or more as I’ve taken a week off work to spend more time with my tech. However the process of bringing a new laptop into the world whilst simultaneously decommissioning an older model plus doing the same for my phone and tablet has put my content creation skills on hold for a while. I may blog about the experience some day. I may not. I think you know me well enough by now to know that nothing is predictable. Including now, when the next podcast will come out. Please bear with me or alternatively use a subscription service to get notified of release. Either via this site, or via iTunes (search ‘vinceunlimited’ and laugh out loud at the other options they give before settling on the one actually called vinceunlimited). Either that or email me direct. Or post me a letter. Or kidnap my daughter. Or hire a light aircraft with a message tied to its tail and buzz me consistently until I surrender and issue the next instalment. Now I’m seeing the clearer picture. It’s in your hands not mine. It’s not my fault at all. Cheers, Vince

Pod 016 Ingreedyents

Tah Dah! Another episode of the ingenious podcast from the stables of the vinceunlimited branding corporation.

In this audio log Vince gets bored and dissects the detailed ingredients list on the back of a packet.

Any resemblance to reality must of course be tempered with the historic facts previously issued in this series.

But fun all the same.

Just press play to enjoy this latest podcast written and performed by Vince because if you just sit there staring at the screen it won’t do it for you

This podcast was produced by Vince on a harpsichord using the Blackberry Playbook email App. If you wish to receive this podcast series automatically you are indeed a sad case

Pod 016 Ingreedyents

Pod 015 Chidehood

Welcome to another episode of the vinceunlimited podcast.

In this episode Vince recalls a childhood fraught with danger, jealousy and achievement. And explains how he could be in a zoo right now

Please press play to enjoy this latest podcast written and performed by Vince

This podcast has been produced by Vince on an iPhone using the Mobile Podcaster App. If you wish to receive this podcast series automatically subscribe in iTunes, where you can also add a review

Pod 015 Chidehood