Dear FaceBook

A FaceBook status update originally posted on 18 May 2014 showing a growing discontent about the way the site was working for me.

Dear FaceBook,

I don’t know if you remember me.  It’s been a while so I hope you don’t mind me writing to you out of the blue like this.

You may recall we used to be together when we were much younger.  We were dreamers then.  Me with my life and you with your incessant thirst for knowledge.  We shared good times.  We exchanged ideas, thoughts and sometimes the odd laugh.

But we grew apart.  I heard rumours that you would spread our little secrets to all and sundry, no matter how many times I’d ask you not to.  And you did have a nasty habit of constantly asking to play that awful FarmVille all the time.

So we stopped seeing each other.  I moved on, particularly with my new best friend, Twitter.  But I always kept you in my thoughts, observing you from afar.

Thankfully your FarmVille obsession seems to have rescinded, although sadly replaced by the frankly much worse Candy Crush Saga.  How disappointing you are.

Despite this I think we can be friends again, even though I know deep in my heart you will still splash our private thoughts all around the place even if I continue to ask you not to.  I’ll just have to watch what I say.  A technique I have learned from seeing how others patently do the opposite.

However, I am wiling to give us a go again.  No promises.  You know me.  But let’s hang out again.  Although not with that Google crowd, I’m not that weird.

I’ll probably start slow.  Maybe the odd comment on our shared timelines.  In time I may post some proper updates.  Maybe even the occasional photograph.  We’ll see.

I think this will work, providing you stop asking me where I work, the school I attended more than three decades ago and what my inside leg measurement is.  Some secrets a man must keep to himself.  And some a man should just share with his old mate FriendsReunited.

And whilst we’re at it stop suggesting I might know a load of people who clearly look like a frightful bunch of potential petty criminals.  Yes I admit I may have shared my past with some of them but the fact that I have had little to do with them in the past forty odd years must tell you something.

And whilst we are on the new rules, don’t start trying to find out where I go all the time.  I don’t share that sort of stuff with anyone.  Except my friend FourSquare that is.

Despite all this I’m up for giving it another go.

Your old friend, Vince

P.S. Don’t tell MySpace.  I’m not reigniting that flame and he’s already sad enough, it could tip him over the edge.

Author: Vince Poynter
From the Social Media section of the vinceunlimited.co.uk website dated 1 Oct 2018
First published as a FaceBook status update on 18 May 2014

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